I’ve never trusted happiness. Deep down I’ve always felt it was a trick. A rug waiting to be swept from under me. Leaving the hangover. The feeling of loss. The sadness. Despair.
Happiness has just never been for me. We’ve never sat easily together. I know that I don’t believe I deserve it although I don’t know why. So I torpedo it. Never consciously. I get rid of happiness then I can be back in my unhappy comfort zone where I don’t have to live in fear of losing it. I prod & push & alienate the ones who care, the ones who want to be in my life. I make it impossible for them. I’ve done this for as long as I can remember. I’m hard to know, I’m hard to like, I’m awkward, I’m difficult to be around, I’m impossible to love. Some of you know that’s not me. Some of you know what lies underneath.
I’ve had enough. Whatever battle I’ve been waging I’ve won. I’m now more alone than I’ve ever been in my life before. It’s my fault. So many have come & gone. I carry so much guilt for the ones I hurt along the way. I carry huge grief for the ones I feel betrayed me. A few hardened souls remain, luckily spared having to actually be around me too often. They mean more to me than I’m ever able to show them.
I started this year determined to make it a better one. To make changes. To make my life better. I’ve gone about it all wrong. I’ve made it worse. I don’t know why. I think I’ve been trying too hard. So desperate for people to let me into their lives. I’ve just seemed weird & crazy. My behaviour has been completely out of character. I’ve ended up throwing myself into self-destruction. One big cry for help that no one is listening to. And I’d likely throw help back in their face if they did. Or resent them for waiting for my permission. I drive myself on with anger & defiance, I don’t need you, I don’t care what you think, I don’t need anyone. One big act to hide how much I’m hurting. To hide how much I want to feel like I matter.
Depression is always there, it’s always been with me. I had gotten fairly good at managing it over many years. I’ve lost control of it now. I’ve been completely at the mercy of my manic & extreme changes of mood. Once a mood, be it high, low or somewhere in the middle, would last 2 or 3 days normally. In these last few months I’ve not been sure it will last an hour. My head feels like I’m constantly moving at 100mph & I’m certain I’m heading towards a wall. I’ve completely lost my sense of humour, I don’t laugh anymore. Mixed with that I’ve become short-tempered in a way I haven’t been since I was a teenager – always ready to snap, to lash out, before I’ve had a chance to catch myself. And attacks of anxiety at every turn. My behaviour has become unreasonable & occasionally irrational. So I try to self-medicate. Just take the edge off. Shut my head up for a couple of hours. It’s not a solution. It’s making things worse. I know that.
I think I may have hit that wall a couple of days ago. A night of insanity. At the end of a day where I felt OK, balanced, but for some reason my mood flipped. I went too far. All on my own. I’ve no memory of the last 5 hours. I only know I was awake because of the insane text messages I sent. In doing so I fear I’ve just pushed someone else away that means a lot to me. In between berating myself for it I’m trying to look for a positive, I’m hoping I’ve finally hit the rock bottom I’ve been heading towards for months. I’m hoping it’s the wake up call I need to start turning things around & moving upwards again.
There have been some positives this year. I started back at the gym for a few months. I lost some weight. That’s made me feel better about myself to a degree. However like most things I threw myself into it for a while then lost motivation – mostly because I felt I was getting locked in my own head while at the gym. I was leaving angry rather than feeling positive. I’ve reconnected with my best friend, making the effort to travel home more often to spend time with him. That’s been my saving grace in the last few months. I get to feel human & myself for a few hours. I’ve become an Uncle. I love my niece with everything I’ve got & I love to see my sister happy.
And most importantly, I’ve started seeing a therapist. It’s something I’ve felt I needed to do for a long time & finally hit a point where I couldn’t put it off any longer. It’s been quite a difficult process so far while also being incredibly helpful I think. We’ve spent the time pulling me apart in a way that makes me feel quite raw & vulnerable when I leave & for a couple of days after, going over in my head what’s been talked about. We’ve discovered more each week about the issues lying deep inside me that drive my emotions & my negative behaviours – issues that have been there since I was a kid. It’s tough discovering them. We’re only just about to start putting me back together again, agreeing on the behaviours I have to change, making me better. I really hope it makes a difference. I recognise that I’m a complete mess of a human being right now. It feels like the only light at the end of the tunnel I have.
The truth is I’m scared. I’m scared that things aren’t going to get better. That this is as good as life gets. I’m scared that I can’t be happy. I’m scared of what state I’m going to get myself into. I’m scared I’m going to lose everything.
I’ve nothing to gain from writing this. I don’t want pity, I don’t want sympathy. Maybe I’d like a little understanding. Maybe I’m writing this just to help straighten my own head out. I do feel misunderstood right now, mostly by people who don’t know me but are close to someone I care about. I feel under pressure to show them they’re wrong but perversely I’m just confirming their suspicions instead by behaving stupidly. Self-destruct. Destroying happiness. Pushing people away. It was ever thus. The cycle just carries on.
Depression & mental health issues are real. They destroy lives. They’ve been destroying mine. If this blog is about anything then it’s about the importance of seeking professional help. I hope I can write another blog in a few months time all about how therapy has started to turn my life around. I’ve been right on the edge for a few months but I had one clear thought yesterday “I want to live, I want to be better, I want to be happy”. That’s the first time I’ve thought that & believed it in a long time.
I’m sorry I’ve been such hard work. I’m sorry to those I’ve worried. I’m sorry to those I’ve hurt. I’m sorry to those I’ve pushed away. I’m especially sorry to those I’ve disappointed.
Truly, I love you all.